I had such a great weekend but then as it was ending, I started getting salty. When I go out of town, I have these great adventures, but when I get home, I often discover life didn’t stop just because I was gone for three days. It’s almost like I come back to discover that I’m now three days behind and sometimes I let that feeling suck the joy right out of me. I hear these movers and shakers talking about hitting the ground running but y’all I am not exactly designed for speed, so mostly I just hit the ground. #faceplant
This morning I sat down with my planner trying to see how much has been piled on my plate and I got all twisty. The hall monitor in my head pointed out that I have a bad attitude so I told her to shut the hell up. So I sat there with my pen in hand and got more anxious and frustrated and put out about all these freakin’ blessings I have in my life. Yeah, I know. That sounds pretty ridiculous, but when I’m right in the middle of a tantrum, I’m not just swimming in perspective. Somewhere in the middle of my self-imposed hissy, I had this intuitive thought that maybe just maybe I should stop for a minute and talk to God to see if there might be a better way to approach the tasks in front of me and that idea sounded just crazy enough that it might work. I mean it is what I’d tell you to do.
I love how I randomly decide that I’m too busy for God when in truth, without God, I’m just spinning my wheels. When life was moving at a nice leisurely pace, I was taking hour to spend in study, prayer and meditation each morning and man, it was delicious. Then I got busy and that time kinda got crammed into a smaller space because I was so busy with VERY IMPORTANT THINGS like thinking about how much I have to do and analyzing my feelings about all the things, and oh the talking about it, I mean how will anyone know how busy I am unless I devote a LOT of time bemoaning the fact that I am in fact a very busy person what with all my thinking and feeling as well as a few perfectly manageable tasks.
So this morning I sat down with a book and my journal and the first line I read was, “We ask especially for freedom from self-will…”
The next thing you know I asked God to set me free. I gave him my plans and asked that I be shown his plan. I gave him my time and asked that he help me trust his timing. I gave him my wants and needs and asked him to lead me to those that I can help while he provides for me, just like he always has. I asked all those things and I’m not going to tell you I’m all the way free, but I’m better. Sometimes God seems to get me right as I pray, and sometimes I just have to act right and the feeling right comes later. Often I have to pray over and over until I’ve fully surrendered. So I’m working on it.
I’m also actively looking for the blessings in this messy Monday. I’m looking for the gifts, like a husband and a mom who genuinely want to help. I have friends to talk to. I have things to do and people who can count on me. Holy crap, I’m kind of reliable now…when did that happen? And you know just because my “broke brain” tells me it’ll never get done and somehow I’m going to come up short this time, doesn’t mean that’s true. Things pretty much always work out exactly like they’re supposed to. I mean I have a pretty good track record as far a surviving things goes.
Once I have a little perspective, I can see that this year is my first year as a pie maker so I don’t know exactly what to expect. My birthdays are coming up which means I’m doing a little reflecting and my heart is a little bit softer. Right after Thanksgiving is the anniversary of my Dad’s death and so that’s buzzing in the background and I’m a little nervous about what that’s going to feel like, since mourning often seems like an ambush at the most inopportune times. We’ve also got this bash going on at work (and it’s only got about 7,426 moving parts that we need to be nailing down right now) and I just started working there and I’m not clear on what my job actually is much less how to do it well. That’s why I have to commit to time with God, now more than ever. I don’t want the busy-ness to bury the blessings. I don’t want my anxiety to obscure God’s gifts in each experience. I need God’s help to be giving and thankful during this season. I want to prepare my heart for a deeper more loving walk with him and with those that cross my path.
Have a mindful Monday y’all!