I’ve started three different entries today and I’ve deleted them all. I was going to tell you about my newest eating plan, but that feels like a regret in the making. Then I was going to write about my word of the year: focus, but believe it or not, I found I couldn’t commit to the word much less the idea. Then I wound up looking at some bargain online classes that I might sign up for but I found myself looking at drawing classes and thought to myself, why don’t you just draw, and then some writing courses and thought to myself, why don’t you just write…and sensing a trend, I left that website. I did cancel two makeup subscription services that I have told myself I needed to cancel every time I found another package of goodies in the mailbox. I wrote out a schedule for one of my jobs (which I’ve been intending to do for weeks). I started a to do list. I’m noodling on an idea for dinner. I plan on taking some pants to the alteration place and making a deposit at the bank but that would require a bra and changing out of these sweat pants so we’re just going to have to see how that goes.
How can we be on day two of 2018 and I feel like I’m behind? Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve been wearing sweat pants and have focused mostly on feeding people and keeping my feet warm for the past two days. I have some goals and plans but I haven’t felt compelled to begin them starting at 12:01 a.m. on January 1. I have a general idea of how I’d like to do better this year, but honestly have no desire to be a new person. I wouldn’t mind being a smaller version of who I am with a bigger bank account but only time will tell how committed I am to that goal and maybe that’s what I struggle with–how the heck do you make plans for a whole year when you can only take actions today? Maybe that’s what those vision boards are for. Perhaps I need to go buy magazines and glue sticks.
I was talking with my mom about the newest new eating plan and she mentioned what I said last year and how I didn’t do it and I felt that familiar kick to the emotional nuts. I mean she’s right and all but reminding me that I’ve fallen short (again) isn’t particularly helpful. So here I am–back in that begin again spot and the weird thing is that I still believe that I can be different. I refuse to be afraid to hope. I refuse to let negativity keep me from trying. I refuse to believe that it’s too late or too hard. I have proven that I can’t do this, but I know for a fact that He can so I’m going to focus on this for today:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Welcome to 2018 y’all–let’s make it a super special year!!