Catching Myself Coming & Going

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lion lamb

This year I’ve been out of town almost every weekend and it felt like I came home, unloaded a suitcase, packed a suitcase and left. Every weekday I asked Big Daddy to call in sick to stay home and play with me, and every day he got up and went to work like he’s supposed to. I need that kind of guy in my life. I really do.

Honestly, I’m not sure I remember where all I’ve been. Working backwards this month, I went to Tennessee, Florida, Ontario, and…New York. All of the trips were good but I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I got bone tired, and I’m ready to spend some time at my address, with my family, sleeping in my bed. I love this gypsy life of mine but I got sick after Rochester and am still coughing a little bit and traveling sick, sucks. (Of course our cars are yellow from the pollen here at home so I it might be a little bit before I shake this completely.)

Because I’ve been traveling, I haven’t been at church and so Easter is sneaking up on me this year. This is the superbowl for christians and in years past I’ve spent the lenten season reflecting and studying but this year, I’ve just been in the the thick of it trying to get from one place to another without having a meltdown. However, I can’t say that I haven’t had an awakening this spring. This HAS been a season of renewal and enthusiasm and I am so excited about the ways God is showing up in my life and in the lives of the people around me.

My finances are laughable. My home needs attention. We’ve started a project in the yard that is half-baked and I want so much to be outside in the dirt making things pretty. There are boxes in the back of my car that have been there since NOVEMBER! But my spirit is so lit right now!!! I am feeling a connection with God and my fellows that I haven’t experienced in soooooo long. I can honestly say I am happier than I have been maybe ever and it’s weird.

So here’s what happened: I started trying to help others again. I wasn’t very sincere about it, and my motives weren’t particularly stellar, but I took action anyway. God changed my motives in the process. The more I did, the more I wanted to do. Somewhere in the process, I was given some clarity about the past. I got one little puzzle piece and then another and over the course of ten months, I started putting things together and saw a picture I hadn’t seen before.

What I discovered was that there had been a series of hurts that I didn’t deal with. I never talked with anyone about them (because one of the first situations was with the person I normally would talk to about the other stuff.) With each event, I trusted less, shared less, gave less and it happened so gradually that I didn’t put together what was happening in real time. Instead I looked up and people were scary, and home was safe and that’s just the way it was for awhile. Until it wasn’t safe anymore because my world had become so small and my fears had gotten so big that God just had to step in and finagle a situation where I would be brought to a new freedom and a new happiness through pure grace. It took time, but God returned me to the sunlight where I can grow.

I don’t know what’s going on in most of the areas in my life but I know my heart is full and happy and I trust that God has a plan just for me. For the first time in a long time, I’m asking God what to do and each day I feel like I get a small assignment to do my little bit to create his kingdom right here and right now. Earlier this month I was thinking about my lack of a career and I asked God if I was blowing it. I mean we might just get his one shot, and in the big scheme, I’m not exactly setting the world on fire. God asked me if I was helping others and I told him that I’m trying and all I know is that feeling of fear and failure went away. I’m taking that as an answer.

I hope you’re feeling the hope of spring and have a song in your heart. Make it a tremendous Tuesday, y’all!

 

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